heavenfang | Eighteenth Star

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Eighteenth Star

All this talk...about murders and redemption.

Well I've got a reality check...no matter what any person, government, or deity might say...there are no pardons. There is no redeeming a bloodied hand. Once someone has killed, there's no turning back to innocence. It's impossible. Once someone has...murdered...they will never have a clean soul again.

That burden will be carried with them to the end of their days...and for some of them, that end will never come...

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"That's because it is sad! Reality is cruel and depressing, but it's the way things are! My destiny was to be the vessel for this Rune...nothing more...and my soul will carry the taint," Tir shouted back, tears pouring freely down his face.

Kazuki flinched. He hadn't seen Tir so angry before. The feeling from before returned, like something small and helpless caught in the glare of a snake.

"I, I..." He couldn't very well tell him anything otherwise, as it would make him a hypocrite. His eyes looked down and away. "I... don't think, that's true..."

Was he... shaking?

"I...I try to smile, and live, and be happy for those around me. I try to be the Tir McDohl they know and love, but it keeps getting harder. The Dunan war proved to me...I can't do this anymore. Three years...soon it will be four. And it will just keep going from now until the end of time, because I'm starting to forget how to be anything else," Tir said in a much calmer tone, the barriers warn away completely and his shoulders began to shake.

"Tir..." Kazuki softened as he saw him doubt. He was probably just as confused and scared as he was, if not more. It was hard to imagine, living forever. Impossible even.

He shifted over on the couch so they were close enough to have their shoulders brush, and reached out to hold his hand, the one where Soul Eater resided. His palm covered where the mark would be. Gently, he leaned his head in to nudge the side of Tir's face, inviting him closer.

"You know... It's okay to be happy just for yourself. You deserve it just as much as anyone else."

Tir practically melted at the touch. He leaned against Kazuki almost desperately, as if that loving contact was the only thing keeping him grounded. His words...

"I'm so scared...that after so many years...I won't remember how."

Touch seemed to calm him down the best in situations like this. Kazuki would remember that.

"How would you forget?"

It really did. Tir didn't understand why it did, it just...was one of the most comforting things he could have right now. It recalled something physically that his mind didn't quite know what to think of...ah well.

"Do you know how long an eternity looks like staring it down from the beginning?"

"No, I don't," he said, and gripped Tir's hand a little tighter. The thought was frightening for him, and it wasn't even his future to face. "What's it like?"

"It's deafening...and cold...and the cruelest thing you could imagine. Everything I know and care about, I will outlive. Every time there is someone near me that is near death, I will kill. It's enough to crush the soul," Tir spoke, his words broken slightly by tears.

Kazuki reached out to wipe at Tir's eyes a little with the edge of his sleeve, and thought. What about the dream that he had had? If it was true, then...

"Are you sure, you can't die?"

"Unless Soul Eater wants me too...then no, I can never die," Tir spoke, his words almost a whisper.

"Even if you were hurt really badly?" Kazuki persisted, realizing that his questions were probably becoming suspicious. He shifted a little nervously.

...that seemed odd.

"What do you mean?"

...He had promised he would tell him later, didn't he. Kazuki didn't like to think about it, the mental image was still just as unnerving as it had been that day.

"You remember back when everyone was seeing things? On that day when you saw... When you saw your father? I did say that I'd tell you, when Sakura-chan was missing..." His voice fell out at the end. He didn't want Tir to be hurt in any way. But when faced with eternity, it might seem like a relief.

Tir continued to listen, his attention focused on Kazuki. It helped him, really...not feel so lost in his own thoughts. It gave him something to latch on to mentally.

"I thought... I thought I saw you die."

It was unbelievably hard to say, like if he let someone know, it might come true. "It was so real, like I was right there. There was blood everywhere..." A tremor ran up his spine, giving him chills.

"I've never seen anyone die before, but if that wasn't it... I don't know what is."

That was it...and it all made sense now. Kazuki's state of mind during Sakura's kidnapping, as well as his reactions to Tir's recklessness. It all clicked in his head.

And Tir's only response was...to wrap his arms tightly around Kazuki, holding him close as he could.

Kazuki curled around Tir in return, almost possessively, refusing to let go. He nestled his face into the crook of his shoulder, his skin was cold from being outside.

"You can't do that to me, man. You just can't."

He couldn't...but was it because of Soul Eater or was it something else entirely? If it came to deciding between his own life and protecting Kazuki...he wasn't certain he could make a decision like that.

"I...I won't."

He wasn't sure if that was completely sincere, or even a promise that Tir could keep at all... but it was still nice to hear. That he could at least say it for him was comforting.

"I'm sorry," Kazuki admitted, trying to pry himself away a little, "You weren't feeling good, and then I..."

Tir tightened the hug, never wanting to let go. At least not while they were both so emotional. He shook his head, as if saying the apologies were completely unnecessary.

"Kazuki, I...," he tried to speak, his voice a strained whisper. "I need you, more than I ever knew."

Kazuki felt a little odd at hearing that. His stomach did a flutter, and something closed in his throat that he has to swallow down. He started to rub Tir's back soothingly.

"It's okay... It's okay, I'm not going anywhere."

Tir began to cry, of course...it was so much at once, but he couldn't help the tears. He felt the liberty to be like this around Kazuki. Something about him made it safe, made it acceptable. He didn't have to be a leader, a soldier, or even Death itself around Kazuki. He could just be...Tir.

"I love you"

The flutter turned into something a little more forceful, as his stomach was now trying to occupy the same space as his lungs and almost succeeding, (or at least he thought) as it pushed out a breathy squeaking sound with it. He felt like however he was holding Tir right now wasn't quite enough, if only he could get closer. But they were impossibly close already. He felt both preciously important and completely useless all at once.

"I, um, wow... You, you really mean that?"

Edited 2009-01-13 08:29 (UTC)

Did he? It had just...popped out. He hadn't actually had the time to think it over. It was just pure feelings at that point, with no reasoning at all. But that was what almost every move in this relationship had been, hadn't it? Trusting his heart...and ignoring his mind.

He nodded.

Eighteenth Star

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